In a crowd

Ever felt lonely in a crowd?

I always wandered what are real friends like. Friends that you can call out,upon and more importantly depend on. Are there such people in this world?

It's funny how life always screws you up everytime you're on a high. You think you have the best bunch of friends , then suddenly everyone leaves you to be. 

Do friends need to be responsible or is this sort of just a personal developments bs? I always wandered why I'm not close to any of my friends and I think it's mainly due to the fact I have so many responsibilities and not enough time for people. Think about it, in just 3 years in IMU , I was leader for OHW, DENTAL BALL , DENTAL DINNER, CAPTAIN OF BLUE TEAM,orientation ,  holiday organizer and countless times I had to lead small group projects and being emcees for events. I even got almost nominated for batch rep 2x and OHC PRESIDENT. This excludes what I do in church. 

People don't really see what you've done. They only see what you did for them individually and not as a whole . It's kinda selfish don't you think?

Who will you remember more ? Someone who goes out with you, celebrates with you or someone who does all the background bullshit for the whole batch ? If I don't do it, who will?

Maybe that's how you can get friends ? 

I mean honestly, will they even appreciate you if you do what I do? 

They'll be more like "as long as I'm not in charge I'm happy, and as long there is someone else to do it, I don't need to waste my time"

The bigger the responsibility , the smaller people look at you.

I mean seriously , it was really a lot of work doing what I do and just say someone just brings this guy out for a meal, celebrate a bday, the person will be like "he's such a nice guy, let's do something good for him " but for people like me, who are doing things for everyone as a whole, others will be like "........" 

It's very sad when you sacrifice so much and get rewarded so little/none

Like I said when you don't do something for someone , no one remembers you right?

But it's hard when you're all alone to do everything, no one to back you up, no one to ask you a simple "hey, need help " or "hey, how's things going"

I guess with all these 'responsibilities' you tend to take things more seriously and you see a bigger picture most times and people who don't see that won't appreciate that. Then, they only come to you when they need help , like when there's a project up or something but when the fun comes, you get left out. 

I guess some people need to be that sacrifice eh? Someone needs to do the dirty job. It's so frustrating. I have to do all that cos no one else has the guts to challenge  themselves to come out of their comfort zone.

You do a job for 50 ppl and none can do anything for you. 

I guess it's largely due to the tidak apa attitude. I never let things go, I can't leave it half hanging but everyone else is just fine with half jobs

Those were the days

Ever had this nostalgic feeling looking back at events that meant something? Call me sentimental or what but I always like to back at things and just soak in the beauty of it



Sometimes I just wander what is it that really get 2 different people attracted to each other and how to keep this attraction. I mean honestly for me I never knew and still am clueless about it.

When does friendship evolve to a real relationship? What's the key factor that sorts of sparks that friendship to move it into the next level? Can just one trait work?

I mean growing up, it has been a norm for me to hear that people think I'm friendly and funny and I guess that's how we get friends right? I enjoy fun people and I guess people too don't mind to spend some time with these type of people but take that away, can it still be considered friendship ? Do people really enjoy having me around them when all jokes are pushed away? when they do really really know me, will they still be there?

I have not found that person ever in my life to be frank. I always get that feel that my past 'relationships' were based on 2 separate people ( in personality,interest,etc) that somehow got to know each other and found each other interesting for a moment and after a while it fades. It's like they were attracted to just one side of you and then that's it. I mean even Yu Wern said that I'm a real funny guy and that was how she got 'attracted' . I mean come on. I'm pretty sure I have many other good qualities that can get someone attracted right?


It's always great when you first know people and they find you interesting and it gives you this false hope that they're gonna be your friends but I'm always afraid to let myself out and be myself because if I do they'll see a whiny, emotional kid and they ain't gonna have time for me and then they start avoiding you. I had a lot of people who have avoided me till today.

I guess experiences like these really shape a person. Honestly I find myself clouding myself out more than I did like say 4-5 years ago? Things like these really have me fearful of meeting people ,old or new, that it makes me avoid a lot of them. I don't make the first move much even when it comes to making friends.

Is this something that can be helped? Is this something that can be changed?

Growing up, all you want to do is make new friends but now it really doesn't matter anymore to me. Why should it? What benefits can you get?


I'm not sure if I'm fooling myself or is she fooling me? Like I said I enjoy her company and I'm pretty sure she does sometimes but what if she's doing all that cos shes just a nice person. But there's no point pursuing if there are no light at the end of the tunnel? If she's really into me as much as I'm into her, wouldn't she initiate something? It's mostly one way which gets irritating cos I'm on the fence.


I always had this dream that by the time I reach the age of 35 , if I'm still single which I probably think I would be, I would just go around the world by myself. Just me alone without anyone to care about. That would be a good idea.